Entangled. A pleaser's dilemma.

A recurring theme in our lives often seems to begin as an adjustment to our parents' needs. Perhaps they were busy with work, caring for other family members or struggling with personal problems themselves. This resulted in a pattern where we were constantly working to satisfy others while ignoring our own needs and desires.

A child learns quickly when a parent is not fully available; above all, it does not want to be a burden to anyone. Being sweet, caring for the other person, getting rid of its own feelings and not giving a peep becomes the blueprint (even for later relationships). While frustration is necessary for a child to learn, there was little or perhaps no room for it here. You didn't get to learn, frustrate, adjust, succeed, complete. Instead, you probably deflected at frustration already; there was simply no/not enough room for (you).

I guess it must be me?

When there are unfinished feelings, it is often the case that a person takes a lot onto themselves and often thinks; "It must be me."

Because from this position you have never learned to trust yourself, but have always had to rely on the availability of the other person, you have mainly learned to withdraw or deflect your impulses to yourself (I am responsible for what happens to me, I do not trust myself).

Often with the result that these feelings remain under recognized, preventing the feeling "this is me" from flourishing and keeping your identity quite foggy. As if it were an individually created problem. But you have become who you have become partly because of the important interaction with your environment.

You give. Still. People pleasing, in other words; is a pattern of giving without asking for much in return and is often rewarded by our environment. What's not to like; someone who is always there, someone who works hard for you, someone who receives, someone who doesn't whine, someone who won't be quick to make a point of something going on. The feedback you get from this particular attachment situation is often one-sided; What a nice person! What a hard worker! The fact that pleasing people is a survival strategy and a large part of you is not seen because of this is not so visible at first glance.

But over time, something starts to gnaw at you. You feel a vague sense of emptiness and restlessness, you feel powerless to change anything. And often you lack the words to capture what you are stuck in. So you do what is familiar; you carry on.

Physical complaints such as muscle tension, eczema and unexplained pain can result from this constant pressure to give without receiving much in return. You become exhausted and depressed because your self-esteem is often linked to how much you can mean to others.

This keep-giving and inviting response came closest to the desire for unconditional love.

Continuing to give, even when it doesn't fit (anymore), is a survival strategy

Finding a solution to this problem is not a matter of following a few simple steps. It requires an exploration of ourselves and our needs, interacting with our environment. You are the expert in your life, so getting out of the tangle requires taking back control to effect change. The focus must, with support, slowly return to you. What would you like? You probably know something small you would like? Start there. Examine what thoughts come up, and feelings in your body. Examine what encourages you, to explore.

And what or who totally does not;)

Seeking genuine support and stretching our comfort zone with courage and encouragement from others is essential to finding ourselves again. This allows space for our own needs and desires, while at the same time providing space for others in our lives.

Breaking this pattern requires time and patience, but it is possible. Imagine if all that you have given would now end up with you?